Everyone craves companionship and wants to have someone who attempts to understand them, and who is willing to be there for them.
Love is beautiful.
When you find it.
Looking for it though, that’s a whole other matter. I find it tiring and irritating and stressful and boring going through the process of choosing from the number of prospective suitors. You meet someone, you go through the scintillating journey of getting to know them; their weaknesses, strengths, likes, dislikes, you explore who you are (both of you) through another’s eyes and there’s nothing as exhilarating as that. Then things go sour. Either because you both realize that there are way too many differences than you’re willing to admit or he finds another woman, you another man.
Or you refuse to send him nudes :/
Whatever the case is, things turn sour, you mope for a while and tell yourself you deserve better, meet another guy do the comparison thing, start talking, like where it’s going until you hear the same things recycled over and over again. The cycle continues.
I have just described to you what my love life was like the whole of last year and the reason for which I am willing to go in for an arranged marriage. Yes, I hear your arguments against it – rights, choice or the lack thereof, its exploitative nature, that it is archaic- I hear you. But I am exercising my right to decide how I want to be hitched, I am choosing, I most probably will choose a man who has certain qualities I deem as profitable to me (which includes really good beauty genes to be passed on to our kids because honestly, life is just easier for beautiful people. Sue me.), and yes it is a system that has been in place for a long time but my parents most probably will enjoy the process and tell me that I like vintage so what the hell, I might as well.
My problems will be solved plus my parents have studied me and have been caused grief the longest by me so I can trust their judgment and it will give me more time to focus on other important things like being vain and travelling around the world eating tapas and tortillas and amala and escargots. If however you, unlike me, enjoy the thrill of being chased by all means, go on being chased. For my ladies who are just as tired as I am of the routine chase, you are welcome to join in my quest for an arranged marriage or flip things and become the predator.
*In that ringside guy’s voice*
HOW TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO YOUR PREY: THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO BECOMING A STAR PREDATOR
[pullquote]Waltz past him and take a good sniff at him. He. Must. Smell. Good. Once you ascertain that he won’t assault your olfactory senses (yup, I did it.☺), attack with swiftness that stuns and scares him at the same damn time. Make eye contact. Force it if you must. Even if it means walking up to him and saying “look at me. Look. At. Me. Do you not see all of this?” Please take this very seriously. This is you springing for the attack. Blindside your prey and then BAM![/pullquote]You’re welcome.
Step 1: Go out. Sitting at home won’t give you options. Your home is your lair. No one is going to come into your territory. Go out. When the world’s most dangerous predators want to hunt they go out into the open where they could eat as well as be eaten. Give and take. Just make sure you’re the superior one. I’m so tempted to draw the clichéd conclusion and say where you go should be determined by the kind of man you want but Lawd knows that’s all sorts of murky. Wherever you decide to go, go.
Step 2: Scan. Scan the entire location. Take in all the details. Who’s standing where, who’s with who, who looks like they’re on crack, who’s dressed like they’re from the 80s, those in their shiny suits, who’s trying too hard to look like they’re not trying too hard and who looks just about right.
Step 3: Let your instinct choose for you. If your instinct pushes you towards whomever looks like a rapist please ignore. Chances are that he is a rapist. Now use your brain. Choose.
Pay close attention to this next step.
Step 4: Waltz past him and take a good sniff at him. He. Must. Smell. Good. Once you ascertain that he won’t assault your olfactory senses (yup, I did it.☺), attack with swiftness that stuns and scares him at the same damn time. Make eye contact. Force it if you must. Even if it means walking up to him and saying “look at me. Look. At. Me. Do you not see all of this?” Please take this very seriously. This is you springing for the attack. Blindside your prey and then BAM!
SIDE NOTE – I used this exact line and bagged me a man. He’s still crazy about me. If it worked for one, probability that it will work for others is high. At worst he will think you’re crazy otherwise he’ll think “oh my God here’s a woman who is not afraid to go in for what she wants! Finally! Someone different.” Yah. That’s a plus. Always.
Step 5: Once you’ve caught his attention, in no less than 5 minutes find out everything there is to know about him and sell yourself. At this point if you already have stake in the predator realm, you would have found out everything about him including what his father and mother do in their spare time. You then proceed to drop hints about these things that you supposedly have in common. Of course, do this in a non- stalker manner. Be classy about it.
*side-eye* This is not lying. It is you laying the groundwork for bigger things to come.
Make sure you look good enough to want to eat yourself.
Show that you can have fun all by yourself.
Know things so that if the conversation goes on for longer than five minutes you have things to talk about.
By all means eat if you’re hungry. No fronting for anybody, abeg.
Please ensure that you get a number or book a date before leaving otherwise all of this is in vain. Text that number before leaving. In his presence. I know what I do when I’m asked for my number, hence this precaution.
Much as you’re the predator, bear in mind that this is the precursor to making him want to be hunted continuously by you. Be gentle and subtle and direct all at the same time.
Yes, rules are subject to change depending on the kind of prey you find. If he turns out to be more dangerous than you are, please adjust settings accordingly.
In the end, realize that it is about you and what makes you happy. Will Smith sums it all up in the movie ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’: “If you want something, go get it.”
Make it happen.
In the spirit of new beginnings, may the odds forever be in your favor.
Happy New Year folks!